I Hate Someone I Work With - How to Cope

Well, if you came here looking for answers on how to deal with someone you hate working with - I'm not sure if you will find any. Because, you see, I am here to rant, and rave, vent, and spew forth any and all complaints I have about this horrible woman. Somewhere hidden in my text you may find some answers, and you may be able to at least identify with my experience. It always helps when you're not alone, right?

So here we go...

First off, let me explain that I have held about 20 jobs in my life, and I am now 33 years old. I used to be a bit of a nomad, and would bore of a job after several months, leaving it to find another.  But, during my time there, I was a good employee, and always developed good friendships with co-workers and bosses.  I'm a free spirit; a happy-go-lucky girl - but mixed with a diligent work ethic and a bit of sarcasm.  Every once in a while, my Capricorn nature comes out and disallows the stupidity of human nature. Idiocy and inane banter thoroughly disgust me.

I have only hated 1 other person I've worked with. It was at a children's clothing store, and this girl was pure evil. She would purposely tag items at the wrong price, sabotage maniquens, change hours on people's work schedules...just to name a few things. She was nuts, and very bitchy. My hatred for her was nothing compared to the wolf in sheep's clothing I have the pleasure of working with today, the year of our Lord, 2013. Ok...there goes the sarcasm again. I have been at this present job for 9 years, and have trained about 15 other employees who have come and gone.

There are many stories I can share about this woman who has now worked with me for 7 months . It would be far too much to read. Therefore I'll start with a brief description of the antics that make my brain bleed.

This delight of a person presents with a giant smile, bug eyes, and flailing limbs. She will talk your ear off within minutes of meeting her, and will appear to be your neighborhood over-exuberant extrovert. Although I tend to walk the line between introvert and extrovert, I am normally glad to have the company of a lively & friendly human. This psychotic individual cannot simply be called an extrovert. I would title her to be an ADHD afflicted, Bipolar Insecure, Needy, Mal-Adjusted, Attention Whore Lunatic. 


And the stories begin...I work in a small office with only 4 other girls. The environment is mellow, quiet - we mind our own business, randomly chat amongst ourselves, complete our tasks, and go home. That is, until this psychotic whirlwind of an employee walked in. From this point forward, we will call her Psycho.

Complaint #1: She does not listen to anything you say.

There are no conversations with this woman. You start to talk, and she immediately jumps in and tries to finish your sentence. It goes something like this: 

(me) "This weekend, we went to the..."    

(her) "the movies? OMG what movie did you see? what theater did you go to?" 

(me) "No. We didn't..."

(her) "I've been wanting to see that one movie, the one where people go to space" 

(me) ...Gives up & puts my headphones in. 

During training, we would have to explain simple things to her - like where to go to find certain files, and how to input data entry. Every time the trainer opened her mouth to speak, Psycho jumped in with her "guess" as to what she had to do next.  For instance, the trainer would say "now point your mouse..." Half way through that sentence, Psycho jumps in saying "oh, I click here...or here...and I click here. Awesome!!!" By this time 3 other screens had opened from her random idiotic clicking, and the trainer finished her sentence "No. That was all wrong." Psycho then goes on a 5 minute narrative of why she thought she was clicking the right things.  

If you're lucky, you may get 5 words in before her verbal vomit buries your words faster than Fat Tony could bury a body.

Complaint #2: She force feeds people.

The woman is COMPLETELY obsessed with food. She brings large quantities of junk food and then screams at everyone who walks by to eat it. She puts it on people's desks, and once I even heard her say "let me watch you eat it!". 

Compaint #3: She lies. 

Psycho will say anything to get approval. She agrees with everything people say, even if the previous statement she agreed with is the complete opposite. Also, she will make a huge production about "doing things the right way" - but then will completely ignore instructions and do things her own way. God forbid someone else should do this... she can't wait to run over to the boss and share just how so-and-so is screwing up everything in the office. Yet, she insists on ignoring explicit instructions, even if they came directly from the boss. 

Complaint #4: She is obsessed with selfies. 

During an employee event where the owner was visiting, she demanded continual selfies with the poor woman. She chased her around the building kissing her ass non-stop. Last month, an ex-coworker who also could not stand the woman stumbled upon her Instagram page. It's littered with close up pictures of her awful face and huge eyes, focused on the camera lens like a hamster on crack.  Which brings me to complaint #5...

Complaint #5: She is in love with herself.

She parades around almost as if she's in costume on a stage. Her clothing choices are so absurd, they're laughable. During the first snow fall of the year, she comes clomping in wearing gigantic furry boots that make her look like she's about to join the Donner party. On a simple walk down the hall to the bathroom, she flails her arms wildly, as if she's auditioning for the part of Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. 

Complaint #5: She is nosy as hell and does not respect anybody's personal boundaries. 

She rummages through people's desks. As soon as she hears someone print, she starts printing something, so she has an excuse to scamper over to the printer and make a huge ruckus sorting out the printed papers. She spies on other employees and tries to get them fired, but then blames the boss for "forcing" her to do it.  She proceeds to kiss the boss's ass. The same boss that she begins talking shit about 10 minutes later. 

Complaint #6: Speaking of printers, she is obsessed with them. 

She once spent the entire week printing papers non-stop, then threw everything she printed in the recycle bin. It's all part of her big ploy to look exceptionally busy, as though she's a tremendous asset to the company. In reality, she wastes valuable time and money, and is so distracting to other employees that they're unable to complete their actual tasks without nearly losing their minds. 

Complaint #7: She refuses to sit still for more than 10 minutes. 

Really... I timed it once. She constantly leaps forth from her desk, always finding a reason to be running around the office like a maniac. 

Complaint #8: She is loud as FUCK!! 

It's like she read some manual with instructions on how to be as loud and obtrusive as possible, and it is her bible. She slams desk drawers, throws pens onto her desk...cannot seem to use the stapler without chucking it onto her desk like she's competing in a shot-put contest. When she takes papers off her precious printer, she SLAMS them down onto the desk, and SLAMS her hand on the top until they are all in a perfectly stacked pile. Don't even get me started on when she needs to tape envelopes shut. 

During phone calls, she talks so loudly it drowns out anybody else in the office. She also has this horrendous habit of repeating people's names at nausea, which makes her sound like a used car salesman. "Thank you Joe! Alright Joe, I will send that out to you Joe. Have a good day Joe." At this point, I'm pretty sure even Joe starts to hate his own name. 

Complaint #9: She constantly doles out fake compliments and extends the vowels in all of her words. 

There is no such thing as a simple "those are cute shoes"... instead, she literally screams "Oh my goooooooddddd! Those shoooes are soooo cute!! AMAZING!! I looooove them! You are aaaawesome! You are sooo smart!"      What. The. Hell. 
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There are more stories to come, but right now I must leave to attend a birthday party, for a person I actually like & who makes me happy. And dear god I need alcohol to erase today's story, which I will tell y'all tomorrow...

If you have any thoughts on how to cope with a coworker you hate, please add a comment! Do you work with someone similar to this? 

If you are a psychologist who would like to analyze her behavior, and explain just what the HELL is wrong with this woman...pretty pleeeeease leave a comment! It would be like so totally super spectacular awesome! Awesome! Oh my god awesome!  Ah, I just can't keep that sarcasm at bay.

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